Dreamer's Wish

non-existence.

2006-12-05T00:23:00.000-08:00

this blogger has moved to akosisophie.blogspot.com permanently. update your bookmarks or links, if there are any.

this blog is now a non-existent entity.

moving

2005-09-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

updates to this blog will be stopped indefinitely.
life is currently at http://www.livejournal.com/users/mylara.

thank you.

millenium cafe

2005-08-03T15:41:00.000-07:00

it's a liberating feeling - realizing i'm not a kid anymore. one thing won't change though. i'll always be a kid at heart.

keep your computer up to date

2005-07-31T23:09:00.000-07:00

my world is spinning around me so fast that it leaves me dizzy and confused. life has, all of a sudden, become so complex; i do not know what to do anymore. i find myself questioning every single aspect of my life, and it frustrates me. i do not know where to find the answers. i don't even know if i want to find the answers. i grow tired of a lot of things, but i am holding on. one day, i'll be in a place where i don't need to be strong, where i can just be me. and i'll be happy.

maroon is the color of dried blood.

2005-07-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

an odd sense of normalcy has settled upon my oblivious head. it's this feeling that, finally, everything is back to normal - whatever normal is. yet it feels so strange, so alien. it's something i have not known for a long time, if i've known it at all. there are times in the day when i'd just lie in bed feeling melancholic and happy at the same time. it's the feeling that everything is just absolutely perfect and nothing can go wrong. but it feels unreal. in a world that awaits your every mistake, a world that expects you to go wrong everytime... perfection is non-existent. the greatest irony of it all?

they expect you to be PERFECT but they are rooting for your failure.

dang.

2005-07-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

update is gone!!!
stupid UP computer.

false hopes makes the fall much harder.

2005-06-03T03:05:00.000-07:00

this is the first time i've ever come to the point that i do not want to go home. it's hard to believe that i once thought i would never feel such; i was wrong. i am tired of crying, and exhausted from trying to stop the tears. i find it so hard to be cheerful, and unnatural to smile at home.

I'M HAVING A HARD TIME, CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? Why can't you just quit nagging me about my grades, my study habits, my goddamned slippers. Stop telling me not to touch the cats and the dogs. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

am i invisible?

2005-06-03T02:52:00.000-07:00

no?

really?

you can see me?

clearly?

are you sure?

absolutely sure?

...

so why do i feel so ignored?

walking on raindrops

2005-06-03T02:48:00.000-07:00

i was never really been a fan of recitals, perhaps because i've never really seen any. i can't dance, so i can't really say anything. except that lalaine was probably the only one with any semblance of grace in that entire cast, excluding the teachers. they were all robots trained to follow mechanical movements. or at least that's what they looked like. but that's ok; i would probably look like that if i danced.

i stood rather quietly to one side. i was feeling out of place yet again for no reason known to me. i was hoping, but i knew i was only going to crush myself again by putting all those unwanted weights on my heart. so i smiled and headed home. home sweet home.

except it isn't sweet. and i don't want to be here.

melancholy and nostalgia can make you feel very sick.

2005-06-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

What Color Is Your Aura? Take This Quiz :-)

Your Aura is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Are You a Good Girlfriend? Take This Quiz :-)

You are a Great Girlfriend

When it comes to your guy, you're very thoughtful but you also haven't stopped thinking of yourself. You're the perfect blend of independent and caring. You're a total catch - make sure your guy knows it too!

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

What Element Are You?

Your Element is Wood

Your power colors: green and brown
Your energy: generative
Your season: spring

Like a tree, you are always growing and changing. And while your life is dynamic, you are firmly grounded.You have high morals and great confidence in yourself and others. You have a wide set of interests, and you make for intersting company.

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

boredom eats your brains out

2005-05-31T17:59:00.000-07:00

Name Acronym Generator
from Go-Quiz.com

S	Sensitive
O	Overwhelming
P	Pretty

How Much of A Yaoi Fan Are YOU? (For girls)

brought to you by Quizilla

Hentai. You scare me. 0_o Anime fans are generally a little perverted, but you're not obsessed with yaoi, you LIVE yaoi. Please leave me alone. I know some boys who you might like...

blogthings

2005-05-29T00:46:00.000-07:00

What kind of blogger are you?

You Are a Social Blogger!

Your blog is more of a semi-private affair for your friends.
It's how you keep in touch... sharing stories, jokes, and pics.

How Sinful Are You?

Your Deadly Sins

Gluttony: 80%

Greed: 60%

Envy: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Pride: 20%

Wrath: 20%

Lust: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 37%

You'll die from food poisoning - and then the natives will feast on your fatty limbs.

you can't see me.

2005-05-28T03:11:00.000-07:00

does ignoring someone make them go away completely? maybe she just wants me to disappear so she wouldn't have to suffer the pain of being disappointed yet again. it's unfair, really, but it wouldn't be life if it was. angela said she just didn't hear me; but why do i feel so ignored? am i such a stupid little ass that i merit such treatment? i don't deserve to be scolded for asking a question. i don't deserve to be completely and utterly ignored by my own mother. i don't deserve to get shouted at for making a joke. i don't deserve that anger for trying to be malambing. i don't deserve any of the stupid crap she gives me, but i get it anyway. i take it with my head held high and guns blazing.

and at the end of the day, i would sit in the dark, typing my heartache away, and crying my eyes out.

i'm not a stepford daughter.

2005-05-28T03:01:00.000-07:00

i'm tired of living in the shadow of the perfect daughter. she doesn't exist. yet she haunts me every single day of my life. she's the one who makes me cry at night, the one who makes me cry during the day. she makes me want to sink into the ground and never be seen again, to get swallowed up by the multitudes who's stars far outshine that which i hold in my soiled little hands. i'm tired. so tired of it all.

i'm not perfect. i never will be. i gave up that impossible quest a long time ago, but it's coming back to bite me in the ass and spit in my face.

i have to be perfect.

because i hate hearing how much i have disappointed them.
because it will be held against me for the rest of my life if i'm not.
because i hate being compared to people who never screw up.
because i hate being insulted by people at home.
because it's the only way i can ever get away from this place.
because it's my default role.
because it's the only reason i don't get shouted at.
because it's the only reason she's nice to me.

i have to be perfect...

it's the only way i'll be loved in this house.

there's a pea under my matress.

2005-05-28T02:40:00.000-07:00

i couldn't lie still. i kept tossing and turning in bed, and i did not know why. i wanted to throw myself against the wall. i just wouldn't be comforted. it was utterly frustrating. i closed my eyes and forced myself to be immobile. i felt so irate, so restless. i couldn't explain it, and it was getting on my nerves. i finally got to sleep, which didn't last long. or so i felt.

i woke up to bea's voice and the sound of my phone's alarm. i felt like i hadn't slept at all. bea softly reminded me that it was time to get up. we were heading for UP, but i couldn't quite make my brain function let alone make my muscles move. so i turned to face bea, closed my eyes, and went back to sleep. when i opened my eyes again, three hours or so have passed and i felt so rested that i forgot i had trouble getting to sleep at all.

and when my day was over, i went back to bed; and for one, two, maybe three minutes the tears wouldn't stop falling. but i promised i wouldn't cry. besides, i was happy. tears had no business with me.

suck it up, sophia constantino caranay.

and suck it up i did.

i don't understand.

2005-05-23T05:15:00.000-07:00

why do i always feel like i did something wrong? does it not go away? i don't want to feel like a failure, but it seems i can not help it. people around me keep reminding me that i am one such kind of person.

was my fall from grace that bad? i know i have the strength to get back up, and yet i am still prostrate on the ground. it's as if there's a heavy rock on my back, and i can not get up because it's just to heavy. i feel like i'm standing on quick sand. every move i make to free myself only serves to make me sink faster. the poetic irony of life.

were it not for the ropes tied around my heart, i would've have drowned in this quick sand a long long time ago.

cloud number nine

2005-05-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

have you ever come to a point when you can't tell the difference of dream and reality? it's all just a blur of images that i can't make sense of. i've lost the ability to tell which is real and which is not. it's almost like a constant high, a hallucination that never stops. it only keeps on shifting from scene to scene - a seamless transition from a dream world to what society fancies as real.

what is real anyway?

testing..

2005-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

1...

2...

3...

mic test.

i'm tired of having to edit html codes everytime i post. so i transferred to a semi-automated blogging thingamajig. para type na lang ng type ng entries.

i'm still at dreamers-wish.cjb.net but you can also access my blog at mylara.blogspot.com. thanks.